“One day at the end of our earthly lives, we will stand before God with a full understanding that we had the power of Jesus Himself working within us, and an acute awareness that we did so little with it.” ¹
Perfectionism…it’s a disease that creeps through my veins and wearingly yearns for everything I do to be top notch. Everything I touch, speak, write must be done so that there is no fault found, no better way…it will take first place…and inside I can get relief (or so I think.) I laugh as I type! I am doing it now…what’s the best adjective, the most descriptive verb…but it doesn’t sound ‘the best’…it could be superior (yes, I initially typed ‘better’…highlighted it…checked for synonyms…found ‘superior’…changed it). My life is undone everywhere I turn because I seek perfection, yet it will never be achieved.
I cannot accomplish God’s will for my life with perfectionism at the forefront. The two don’t work together; it’s one or the other. They are both jealous and calling out to me…One out of love, grace and mercy… the other, out of fear, selfishness, control and the need for prize-winning approval. Which will I choose? My heart longs for the One, yet my nature falls to the other.
Today, I am submitting, at least for this moment. Honestly, I have no time to stop and write this. Taxes are spewing over the kitchen table…Clutter has found it’s way to every corner, and then some…the laundry no longer fits in it’s basket…my expired drivers license reminds of a life I once had (maybe I should not have admitted that in writing)…and on and on and on. If you ask my mind, it works on self-inflicted overload . I don’t have time for this…really, I don’t make time for what God is calling me to do.
My God doesn’t scream at me, He doesn’t remind me where I lack or fail, He only encourages and brings me wisdom. He is not the squeaky wheel I long to subdue, only to show itself again day after day, hour after hour, second after second. He is my peaceful place…my calm water…my rest from myself. He only wants to work through me; and He patiently waits for me to allow that.
So whether or not this writing even makes sense today…no matter. I have restrained the monster inside, if only for this moment, and done what God has asked me to do…give Him the first fruits of my day, not the left-over 2am thought.
I sit at Your feet this morning…unorganized, undone, out of time. The day is calling out to me. And I know You will meet me here and there. Thank You for reminding me of the power You have so graciously and freely pass on to Your people. Teach me Your ways and subdue the worldliness in my body. I seek freedom in You. Forgive me for my ugly idols…I don’t like them much either. I pray my life would be a reflection of Your power surging through me. I love You Lord.
¹Tiegreen. The One Year Walk With GOD Devotional. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale, 2004.