Dear Friend,

I have written this note to you numerous times in my head.  Over and over the words turn, the thoughts grow but nothing ever seems to fully encompass the message I want you to hear.

So I start by asking for your forgiveness…

If I have not show you grace, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, love, kindness, humility, gentleness, if I have been less than a follower of Christ…please forgive me.  If I have caused your heart to be calloused, for you to doubt God’s people, for you to feel as an outcast…please forgive me.

Words can hurt; even more so to someone who is already hurting.  My intention was never to drag you down any deeper into the pit of despair.  Never did I want you to feel the hand of humanly judgment, when God’s judgment is enough.

If you will allow me to explain with meager words how I think ‘friends’ are attempting to help…

Iron sharpens Iron, just as one friend sharpens another.  Yep, we all need accountability.  I am the first to say if you see me trapped in satan’s lies, please fill me in.  Don’t let me go down that road any further.  But the problem here is there are times in our lives when we just aren’t Iron.  We are weak and vulnerable and raw, so when others come along and try to sharpen us (or expose darkness) it’s painful.

I am not saying we should overlook, or allow a friend to sit in darkness, but we should first show grace, love, mercy and compassion.  And sadly many times our first emotions are anger, frustration, and annoyance.  We rush after the sinner and our words shout out, how could you?  We see the wounds of those around without thinking of the gushing pain of the one fighting in darkness.  We throw stones from a distance instead of love from up-close.  We pick the wrong battle with the wrong enemy.

So, I humbly say to Jesus, I am sorry I was no help in this battle.  I prayed, yes.  But I also judged, gossiped, used words without grace…spoke without seeking God first.  I am thankful the power of God can overcome, even when His people fall short.

I love you my dear friend.  I would do battle for you any day!  Thank you for being vulnerable and speaking out.

As I was taking an early morning drive to the airport, a thought came to me…

If I do not crave YOU – to worship You, to study You, to speak to You, to learn from You – what am I replacing You with?  How did this happen?

I remember a time when I craved God.  When I could easily awake and crawl out of bed at 5 or 5:30 am, just to sit, read and learn from Him.  There was no special drink involved, no certain Bible study I was following, no dire need I was necessarily in, it was my Creator and I, it lasted for over an hour each morning and I could not get enough.

It started as a call to prayer.  It was a very distinct warning that I needed to devote my morning to praying for my husband.  Honestly, at first I might have been obedient out of fear…fear that something was going to happen to him.  Josh had been working a lot in his own business and things in our lives were very subtling crumbling.  (Story to come later, it’s a sweet one!)

There are few words to describe a life like that – a life so in tune with the Holy Spirit that you can hear His every lesson for you.  It is beautiful and magical and far above words.  I recall reading Scriptures and He would give me a name to be praying that specific Scripture for.  In fact, He would give me Scriptures to right down and insert someone’s name in.  He was the Teacher and I was the willing student and it flowed like life should.

So here I am, vowing to get back to that kind of relationship.  To CRAVE Him more than my to-do list, more than my cleaning and laundry schedule, more than my time with friends, more than my breakfast, even more than my workouts.

Yes, Father, I say yes!  To all of You.  You are my Source for all that I need.  There is no other fulfillment than sitting at Your feet.  Forgive me when I put anything or anyone before You – Idolatry.  Take this life You have given me and use it for Your Glory.

Love You

-A

Jesus said, “I am the Bread of Life. The person who aligns with me hungers no more and thirsts no more, ever.  (John 6:35 MSG)

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the Glory that will be revealed in us.”   Romans 8:18

Ten years ago I was not drowning in the worldly preparations of Christmas, as it is so easy for me to do today.  In fact, I had gotten very little in terms of gifts…a couple of puzzles for my young son, a gun cleaning kit for my husband, and if I had gotten anything else I don’t recall.  It was not about earthly presents for us…it was about a Heavenly Presence.

On December 22, 2005, I was giving birth to Glory, my daughter.

10 weeks early…

10 weeks less I would be her mom on this earth…

10 weeks too soon for my heart.

And it was Christmas.

I know the heartache that can accompany this time of year.  It’s like a low-lying, unspoken of cloud that just hangs.  Not everyone can see or feel this dense fog but if you do, it’s presence is difficult to deny.

I remember.

But know there is Hope.  There is a time for this.  I have always felt God has you there for a reason.  And He is not letting you go until you are ready. Maybe you can even change your way of viewing that cloud.

If you search the word ‘cloud’ in the Bible you might find an entirely different outlook that is anything but grim…

“I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth.” Genesis 9:13

“And the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people.” Exodus 13:22

” Whether the cloud stayed above the Tabernacle for two days, a month, or a year, the people of Israel stayed in camp and did not move on. But as soon as it lifted, they broke camp and moved on.” Num 9:22

“But in your great mercy you did not abandon them to die in the wilderness. The pillar of cloud still led them forward by day, and the pillar of fire showed them the way through the night.” Neh 9:19

“Then Moses disappeared into the cloud as he climbed higher up the mountain. He remained on the mountain forty days and forty nights.” Ex 24:18

“Sing praises to God and to his name! Sing loud praises to him who rides the clouds. His name is the Lord— rejoice in his presence!” Ps 68:4

“For your unfailing love is as high as the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.” Ps 57:10

“Then a cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my dearly loved Son. Listen to him.”  Mark 9:7

 “Then everyone will see the Son of Man coming on a cloud with power and great glory.”  Luke 21:27

Just like Moses, maybe He calls us each by name into His cloud, His presence…

With His agenda…

With His timing…

To guide us…

And transform us.

“But now this is what the Lord says–

‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.'”  (Isaiah 43:1-2)

Last night I got to meet God’s Glory.  A sweet, precious, much anticipated little baby girl.  Our introduction to each other was not prearranged, it was not anticipated and to be honest I had no idea she was making her entrance into the world yesterday.  But God knew.  He had arranged a Divine appointment for us to meet.

A Bit of History….

I met a young couple, Bryan and Meg, February 2014 in a small, dark labor and delivery room at Wesley Hospital.  That too was a Divine appointment.  This poor momma was preparing to deliver her baby girl, yet that sweet baby girl was without her earthly life.  It was greatly unexpected as she was quickly approaching her due date.  Typically, I do not meet with families before they deliver their babies.  I guess I assumed that was a time reserved for families only and I come later to help them on what their next steps might be.  (If you don’t know, I am HIGHLY involved in the ministry of AgapeCare Cradle…we minister to families who have lost babies…you can check out our website, but don’t judge us on it’s lack of technological advancement).

(Back to the story)…

If it wasn’t for Meg’s father, being slightly PERSISTENT that I come to see her before she delivers, I probably would not have visited with her until the next day.  But God had a much designed purpose for our presence (Amy, executive director of AgapeCare was with me).  Walking into that labor and delivery room is something I will never forget.  The lighting was very minimal, as if a dark cloud hung low, yet you could sense light but it’s presence was almost hidden as if it was there but needed to be found.

We spoke.  I shared my story.  We prayed.  The Holy Spirit moved.  The pain was there, the sadness was still deep, the cloud hung around.  But HOPE made it’s entrance.  That family had permission to find the light, to search for the good. God works in indescribable ways and I am beyond-words blessed to have been apart of this family’s story.

Last Night…

Bryan and Meg delivered an adorable baby girl, Gloriana Sue, Glory.  It was as if God was revealing to me that I had come full circle.  I smiled.  Not that Bryan and Meg’s girl was named after my Glory (it was just the name God had revealed to Meg for their baby girl), but it was as if God knew what would speak to my heart.  Like He was just walking right beside me and telling me, ‘See, I still have more to your story that you could have never even dreamed up.’

Our meeting last night was bittersweet.  I did not come to meet Glory.  I came because I was called to meet with another couple who sadly lost their baby girl yesterday.  What a wonderful couple that I am confident God will use for His purposes. I pray they can have a small glimpse of the hope and joy I feel today.  That they can know, trust, lean-on the Great Comforter.  That He, and only He will reveal the plans He has for them through all this.  It was no coincidence that they were there yesterday, that I was there, that Glory was there, and that Bryan and Meg were there all at the same time.  God has a plan, set to reveal itself in it’s own time.

Nine years ago, Josh and I were that couple.  Filled to the brim with pain too harsh for words to define, we faced each day never grasping how time could move within such a thick cloud encompassing us.  In the depths of that season of my life there is no way I would have imagined all that God would do with His Glory.  I gave Him death on December 22, 2005, my Glory, in exchange for life, His Glory.

The Point…

What I hope you know by reading all this scattered rehashing of Divine events…First, God is so Cool!  Secondly, He knows. He knows our heartaches, our pain, our shortcomings, our trials, our questions, and people… He. Has. Got. It.   If you listen, if you desire Him, He will speak to you. His hand is not too short to save. He will quietly, very subtly reveal His plans for you.  Trust. Believe. Praise.  Do it not out of religious obligation, but as heart-quenching thirst for your One and Only. He wants you and that means you knowing Him.  Let’s step out of rehearsed prayers and memorized religious practices and let’s cry out to Him in the good as well as the bad.

I know the cloud that can cover life.  Believe me when I say, I GET IT!   Read again the words above in Isaiah 43.  YOU are redeemed, HE summons YOU by name, YOU are HIS.  Let that mean something in your life and do not take it lightly. What satan intends for evil, God has intended for good.  Look to the cross for that story!

So people bring your junk.  Check your baggage at the Cross.  Fall to the foot of His throne.  He promises to work for the good of those who love Him, those called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Father-

Wow, You never cease to amaze me!  Just when I think I can close the book on the story of Your Glory, You are there.  Never failing, never dull, You speak straight to my heart.  Father, I pray we choose to see You in all things.  That we trust You to show us the good when the world screams bad.  Thank You for trading death for new life abundantly.  I love You.

A 

Disclosure:  This story will probably make very little sense unless you know Glory’s Story.  You can find it under the God’s Glory tab above.  Thanks.

In elementary Sunday school, we are working on the virtue “friendship.”  The kids and I were working on a devotional yesterday pertaining to friendship…it was about love.  And like usual it struck a question in my soul…how do I view love?

In our study we drew a big red heart on the board and wrote all the things that the ‘heart’ represented to us, such as: love, kindness, candy (Danner), nothing bad, no sadness, friends, happiness, etc  And then we drew a cross on the board and likewise wrote what it meant to us, such as: death, Jesus, sadness, sin, evil, scared, worry, painful.  The difference shocked me.  The cross is the greatest act of love God has shown us, yet it is viewed with such sorrow.  It is a reminder of who we are without Jesus…it is a reminder of what all unbelievers carry around with them, because Jesus’ sacrifice is not real to them, so they must carry their own crosses without hope.  Yet, I can choose to carry that same cross daily and allow it to weigh me down just the same.

Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33b)  He is being honest with us.  Yes, we will have hardships, daily…but through the cross He has taken up those hardships and overcome them just as we overcome them with His joy, grace, mercy, love.  Jesus also tells us to take up our cross daily and follow Him (Luke 9:23).  Go through the hardships and trials because they will come anyways, don’t spend time fighting them, persevere, and by following Him (closely) we will experience that joy, peace, love (fruits of the Spirit) that He so freely gives because He overcame the cross.  

So all that is left of the cross is love.  He is The Overcomer…so we don’t have to be…we can be the receivers of all His goodness if we choose to accept it.

Dear Father-

Thank You for Your ultimate act of love, for sending Your Son to overcome all of our hardships so we may pass through them knowing our Great Reward is You!  Let us cling to You and Your fruits and not to the emptiness of this world.  I lift up anyone who does not have an exceedingly abundant relationship with You…that they may lift up their cross and exchange it for the cross You overcame.  Praise Your Holy Name!  I love You!

A 

Continued from yesterday’s post…

The Roman mob comes to arrest Jesus and here are the disciples, probably jaw-dropped at this point, having no clue as to their role in this situation.  What do the disciples do?  Peter (John ratted him out) grabs a sword to save the day, save the world in his mind and rescue Jesus.  Or so he thinks. 

⁵² “Put away your sword,” Jesus told him. “Those who use the sword will die by the sword. ⁵³ Don’t you realize that I could ask my Father for thousands^[h] of angels to protect us, and he would send them instantly? ⁵⁴ But if I did, how would the Scriptures be fulfilled that describe what must happen now?”

Oh I am so guilty of this (I have yet to cut off someone’s ear)…but I do get in God’s way and try to save the day or rescue myself from anything discomforting.  Financial trouble – quick let me get a job, any job will do.  Discipline problems – quick let me fix my kids and ride them how ever long it takes until they turn into obedient angels (hasn’t happened yet).  Marriage struggles- quick let me do everything I can to ‘change’ my husband (that’s an act of God).  Sickness – quick let me eat everything as healthy as can be and exercise every minute I can squeeze in, or better yet, maybe I can worry about it every second I have and drive my body further into despair.  Kid’s making bad choices- quick let me freak out and call all my friends for advice and read every book they tell me to and try every crazy quick-fix-my-kid suggestion.

Sound familiar? I am a master at REACTING…and it’s the quick, no time for thought reaction. Panic sets in when we are not alert and alive in God’s word.  He has a plan, He fulfills that plan.  We are called to know Him, praise Him, love Him, and live in Him…and then spread that wisdom and love to the world.  We are not called to spread anxiety, stress, worry, or doubt.  The world has enough unbelievers…we are believers…and so we must spread BELIEF!

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Dear Father-

Praise Your name that You have overcome the world…all the mess of the world has been diminished by You.  It is not left for us to hash through, mull over or become accustomed to.  We are not called to live in it, but to rise above the troubles of the world with praise and worship of our Creator, our Lover, our God.  In You may I live each day, alert and alive, ready for Your goodness.  I love you!

A

Source :Matthew 26:52-54, NLT; John 16:33, NIV

Alert and Alive

‘Garden of Gethsame’… Words can not describe this time or this place in the life of Jesus.  Personally, I do not even like to imagine what Jesus humanly suffered in this garden.  There is a reason God doesn’t reveal the future to us…we could not handle it as Jesus did.  But Jesus’ time in the garden we will study another day.  Here let’s focus on the disciples…because I can totally relate to how they chose to spend this time with Jesus.

They slept!  There was no sense of urgency in their actions, no reason to be on guard or alert, no deep-seated, hysterical anxiety…obviously they didn’t get the intensity or seriousness of what Jesus meant when He said He would be crucified.

⁴⁰ Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? ⁴¹ Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”

⁴² Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away^[g] unless I drink it, your will be done.” ⁴³ When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

⁴⁴ So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. ⁴⁵ Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look—the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.

Yes, there are so many times in my walk with Jesus, that I am asleep, not alert, and anything but intentional.  Jesus warns His disciples (and us) to pray, fervently, be on watch, lest we fall into temptation.  Lest we fall into anger, greed, self-righteousness…any and all of the above.  Our hearts want Jesus, but our bodies are accustomed to the instant gratification of this world.  If it’s not an immediate need to fulfill, it can wait, right?  On the flip side, if it will bring us more comfort in this world, let’s do whatever it takes to get it now.  It’s the unconscious motto of self.

In His words, you can feel Jesus’ heart, His anguish, His concern for His disciples.  It hurts.  And we know the hearts of each disciple all too well, we are tired and weary and don’t really understand where Jesus takes us sometimes and what He is asking of us and when it will end and why He can’t just rescue us and call it eternity already.  But He is reminding us…wait, don’t get caught up and comfortable in this world, be on guard, this is not your real home, with ME is your true home, it’s where your heart’s desires should cultivate.

Dear Father,

Praise Your name!  I just thank You for keeping the desire of holiness alert and alive in me.  It is so easy to let this life be our focus, to get caught up in the right-here-right-now syndrome.  Forgive me Father when I choose to not turn to You first.  You are it…my heart’s desire…may my life be a reflection of that.  I love You!

A