My plan for the summer was to have a great time with my kids…swimming, fun times with friends, fountains, going to Table Rock, getting a nice tan, trips to the library, having an excellently organized chore chart and obedient children to follow it, and add to that a summer of great children’s bible study where they would truly be convicted of all their wrongs (especially sibling rivalry) and become little angels, and after all that’s said and done I would have a perfectly healthy baby with a naturally smooth delivery somewhere around September 1st.  HA!  Although that totally (and I mean TOTALLY) all sounds great, “my plan” will not prevail….not just because of what the doctors are telling me, but because of human nature.  We are fallen, my children are fallen, being raised by fallen parents, stricken to sin, yet so desperate for things of the Spirit, His goodness, grace, forgiveness.  For now, we live in a fallen world…with poverty, murder, car-wrecks, processed foods, kanser, ugly words, and more depressing things no one wants to hear about.  But, Praise God,  

“He brings us up out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and sets our feet upon a rock, and establishes our steps.” Ps 40:2

The definition of establish: to found, to bring into being on a stable basis, to install and settle into a position, to show to be true, to cause to be accepted, to bring about permanently.   Wow!  How gracious God is to us…He finds us, calls us out and places us on His stable rock, settles us into our individual path, shows His ways and our ways with Him are true, He accepts us (sin and all) and will one day make us permanent with Him in Heaven.

Because we are a family after God’s own heart, He establishes our steps. He has called us out among darkness to stand on His rock, His ways, His path filled with daily awe and wonder.  Do we fall short?  DAILY, even hourly…yet, He loves us, convicts us and encourages us to continue.

There is another plan this summer…one the doctor’s have given us.  Their plan is to do another MRI around 33 weeks (we are heading into our 26th week now), check that the kanser hasn’t progressed and deliver the baby by C-Section around 34 to 35 weeks (which is around the end of July).  Immediately following that C-Section delivery would be a radical hysterectomy.  Talk about an emotional roller-coaster day for my husband…”oh congrats on your new baby, now you need to leave while we do surgery on your wife and remove her kanser!”  The findings on the MRI could change things up a bit; however, we are trusting in God’s plan for all this and of course His healing power!  But for an update on those who didn’t know, those are the doctor’s plans.  And to answer the question I get a lot…yes, the baby is fine.  They are not concerned at all about the health of the baby.  To quote my oncologist, she said babies are pretty resilient and are the first to ‘jump ship’ when they feel threatened.

So “my” summer might not look like I originally planned. I am a work in progress and my life and character is still being carefully molded by my Creator.  Praise God!  And what might look like an ugly plan to most, we totally see His beauty in it.  The hand of God is upon us and there is no greater feeling. 

A few weeks ago I would have never known that May 20, 2013 would be an anxious day for me.  Nor would I have known that on May 9, 2013 my doctor would be calling me in to her office to talk with me about cervical kanser (if you spell it incorrectly it takes away some of it’s power).  And again I would never have imagined I would be sitting in an oncologist office on May 10, 2013 and back again on May 14, 2013 with sweaty hands and feet, bible open, yet unable to concentrate (this is where God reminds us to have scripture in our hearts, around our necks and on our tongues…He is referring to these times when He knows our minds are racing and we can’t read).  And next step… an MRI and chest x-ray on Friday, May 17, 2013, so we can find out if this unwelcomed guest has spread outside the known area.

So, yes, Monday, was another day on this new path of exams, reports and doctors.  In all honesty, I wasn’t even that nervous….well, in order for me to be really honest…I wasn’t nervous until the afternoon.  I knew I would have to call the nurse to get the results, so I had the timing of it all in my hands (possibly the only thing I had control over)  It was easier to put off that phone call and not know to what variation my life was about to change.  But I also knew, I had a husband and close friends and family hanging on the line to find out the news…and I did need to know (although many times I am better at sitting in denial for a bit).

My heart leapt every time my phone rang…it wasn’t just a heart jump…it leapt!  And there I was speaking with the nurse.  Her news was good to hear (finally)…as far as they could tell nothing looked different from what they expected…the lymph nodes were not abnormally large…chest x-ray was clear…the kanser was contained to the cervix.  Way better news than my mind had conjured up…I will spare you those details.

With all this reporting on my “new path” I did want to fill in many of you with the doctor’s news.  However, the most important part of all this is the journey I am on with my True Healer and Redeemer, the One who knows all and sees all.  He is my source, my strength, my total focus…His wisdom is that which I truly crave.  God has all of this in His capable hands, good reports and bad.  My faith and love for Him has grown by leaps and bounds within the past 12 days.  It saddens me that it takes utter desperation for me to truly seek Him out, to yearn for His Presence, to do whatever it takes to become the woman He created me to be.  Yes, I can spend my quiet time praying, reading devotionals, and studying Scripture, even on a daily basis…but how much is that really changing me?  How far will I go to seek His physical healing power in my body compared with the healing that needs to occur:

in my mind- to think in the Spirit and not in the flesh, no worries

in my attitude- to be grateful in all things

in my heart- to love, not to judge

in my actions- to think of others first, not grow weary of doing good.

in my words- to only speak what is uplifting and honoring to God

And on and on the list goes…so much healing, such a loving and patient Father.

Dear Father-

I thank You for the work You are doing in me and especially that You have promised to complete that work (phil 1:6).  You are so faithful and constant when our earthly lives are so unsure and unstable.  I praise You for working through us so that other’s may see Your Glory.  I love you.

So no matter what you ‘expect’ your life/days/hours to look like, no matter your dreams or goals, your to-do list, very little is ever under our control, but Praise God it is under His Ultimate and Loving Control!

My devotional yesterday (as in most days) spoke to my heart…

“You will conquer. The conquering spirit is never crushed.  Keep a brave and trusting heart.  Face all your difficulties in the spirit of Conquest.

Rise to greater heights than you have known before.  Remember where I am is Victory. Forces of evil, within and without you, flee at My Presence.

Win Me and all is Won.  All.”

“God Calling” Devotional, May 20, 2013